Explanation
I've decided to break my blogging silence.
I'm good at bottling things up. I know avoidance well. Well enough to know that it is bad. So, I'm going to return to the reason I started this blog in the first place, to vent. Last post I said I wasn't ready, but now I think I am. I think I need to.
Right now the sun is shining. I'm in a good mood. It doesn't seem possible that I've been so at war with myself. I don't like visiting this subject when I'm happy, I can pretend it's not there. I don't like visiting this subject when I'm sad, it rears it's ugly head. It becomes a reality. Frankly, I'd rather talk about the new slightly funky shoes I just bought, or the wedding I bought them for. Something... well, something else. But I owe it to myself to have some release, to stop bottling. It's hard to explain how I feel... Not in control. Not myself. Unhappy - this in particular it doesn't make sense, where it becomes a vicious circle. I'm happy with my life - for the most part with myself - very much so with my family. Why am I so sad?
I'm fed up. I'm angry at the flux in my emotions. Two weeks ago I made the decision that this isn't how I'm supposed to be, I wanted me back. Last week I saw my doctor. He confirmed what I figured to be true, but it was hard to hear. I'm suffering from depression.
Now the sun is shining. I feel good, and it doesn't feel like just a break, it feels real. A step in the right direction. A step back to being me.
I'm good at bottling things up. I know avoidance well. Well enough to know that it is bad. So, I'm going to return to the reason I started this blog in the first place, to vent. Last post I said I wasn't ready, but now I think I am. I think I need to.
Right now the sun is shining. I'm in a good mood. It doesn't seem possible that I've been so at war with myself. I don't like visiting this subject when I'm happy, I can pretend it's not there. I don't like visiting this subject when I'm sad, it rears it's ugly head. It becomes a reality. Frankly, I'd rather talk about the new slightly funky shoes I just bought, or the wedding I bought them for. Something... well, something else. But I owe it to myself to have some release, to stop bottling. It's hard to explain how I feel... Not in control. Not myself. Unhappy - this in particular it doesn't make sense, where it becomes a vicious circle. I'm happy with my life - for the most part with myself - very much so with my family. Why am I so sad?
I'm fed up. I'm angry at the flux in my emotions. Two weeks ago I made the decision that this isn't how I'm supposed to be, I wanted me back. Last week I saw my doctor. He confirmed what I figured to be true, but it was hard to hear. I'm suffering from depression.
Now the sun is shining. I feel good, and it doesn't feel like just a break, it feels real. A step in the right direction. A step back to being me.
posted by Nini at 3:37 PM
1 Comments:
Here is a hug for you and a high five too...I am so glad you recognized what was going on and that you sought help. And found it.
Take care of *all* of you, from your new shoes to the top of your head---and most importantly, the spirit inside. We love our Nini.
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